Dear Emily,
My husband and I have been married for five years. His father passed away when he was 52, taken by fast-moving cancer, and his family never dealt with that trauma. Instead, they all took on different roles the patriarch had played, and my husband was the designated peacekeeper and court jester.
When I came along, they absorbed me like a sponge because I had no family. I was overjoyed to be around laughter and warmth. But then I started to notice things that made me uncomfortable, and that’s where the trouble starts.
No one in my husband’s family washes their hands before meals. Instead, they touch their faces, pet their family dog, and play with their reptiles, then sit down to the table, proceeding to touch every bagel and piece of crudité, because perusing visually is not enough. I have spotted Shrek-size, fuzzy fingerprints on more than a dozen slices of cheese. Worst of all, I’m expected to bring the dogs I board over holidays, as a professional dog trainer, to their home, despite the fact that they have a large, territorial dog who needs to be kept separate. They laugh when I panic as the dog scuffles with my client dogs because they’ve carelessly opened a door I asked to be kept shut. Essentially, I’m given no respect or voice because of my connection to my husband and his role.
This all came to a head when I’d had enough last year and said I would be staying home to care for my canine clients and hoped my husband might support my right to relax on one Thanksgiving in five years. After all, my only-child tradition with my single mother had always been to have quiet holidays, and I felt that deserved honoring. I felt we could begin splitting Thanksgiving and Christmas intermittently, just as so many couples do.
But the dirty cheese hit the fan. His family wouldn’t hear of it. His mother was in tears. I realized then that she had turned my husband into his father, and she was losing her husband all over again if he didn’t attend holidays. So he chose them. And I sat home, finally seeing the picture of a family I’m only part of if I remain silent.
I wrote a letter to his family, because I’m also a writer, and because I get easily overwhelmed when six people are telling me I’m wrong all at once. I told them I’m not comfortable with their food hygiene and lackadaisical attitude toward my career and the safety of my dogs. They said they needed a break from me for a while. That “while” was as long as it took for me to apologize.
I fear I’m on the verge of divorce. My husband compares my concerns to political differences in his extended family and says everyone knows not to speak up and to simply keep peace. But this isn’t politics. It’s behavior that violates my boundaries, makes me feel deeply uncomfortable, and threatens my livelihood. I know my husband is the meat in a conflict sandwich, which isn’t easy, but I disagree when he says that unintentional slights due to familiar patterns and obliviousness don’t count as harm. I think the lesson I’m learning is how hard it is to be a FACER among AVOIDERS. Please help.
Best,
Outnumbered by Oafs
Dear Outnumbered by Oafs,
Okay, hear me out. Have you considered that you might be in the wrong here?
Families are weird. In-laws behave in all kinds of strange ways. But you love your husband and want to preserve a connection with his family. That means it’s up to you to figure out a way to be present for their family events, including Thanksgiving, in a way that allows you to respect your own boundaries and tolerate the ways their family is different from the one you grew up in and the one you and your husband have separate from them.
Their dysfunction and hygiene issues are not your problem to solve. Insofar as the role your husband’s family has placed him in as replacement patriarch affects your marriage, that’s something you need to work out with him, in couples counseling if at all possible. But accepting that you can’t change the way this family relates to one another is probably going to be the focus of a lot of those conversations.
Skipping Thanksgiving then writing them a letter about their shortcomings was an act of aggression, and they met it with aggression toward you. It’s going to take some smoothing over, and you wouldn’t be remiss in apologizing to them for the letter, if you can find it in your heart to do so. Maybe explain that you sometimes feel overwhelmed by them and need to have space at family gatherings to do things your own way. I don’t quite understand why you had to bring your client dogs to their Thanksgiving — in what way was that their decision to make? It seems to have stressed everyone out, and this family clearly has plenty of their own issues, not to mention pets (reptiles??) to deal with. Some of this is on you.
While I believe you need to take responsibility for your part in this rift, I do of course sympathize. People putting their unwashed hands all over food is disgusting, obviously. And in general this family seems like they’ve got a lot going on. If there’s any way to attend these events and bring your own food, maybe feigning a recently discovered allergy, that might be one way to minimize your distress. Set hard limits beforehand with your husband about how much time you plan to spend there, and stay in a hotel. There’s got to be a way for you to show up for these family gatherings without totally handing over the reins to these people and your husband and feeling overwhelmed and disgusted the whole time. It still won’t be pleasant, but at least if you go into the situation with a plan and know that you’re there on your own terms, for a predetermined and limited amount of time, sans extra dogs, you’ll feel more in control and less like a prisoner at a circus.
The biggest issue here is between you and your husband. I hope you can learn to communicate better about what he and his family expect from you and what you’re willing to offer. In the past, he’s placed you in a difficult position, and you’re well within your rights to feel resentful about that. But in order to get past this and get back on semi-normal terms with his family, you’re going to have to be the bigger person, even if it’s the last thing you feel like doing. Good luck! And stay away from the cheese!
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