A few days before my 25th birthday, a friend from high school sat me down over drinks, blurting out “I need to tell you something” before I’d even taken a sip. Through an overheard conversation, she’d discovered that my then-partner of five years had cheated on me. I remember wanting to react “correctly” — to convey my disappointment all while maintaining my composure. But I wasn’t in any way prepared for the dark spiral of insecurities and trust issues that lay ahead of me. In the moment, I clicked into full-scale investigative mode, DM-ing with the “other woman” (who was, to add salt to the wound, a mutual friend) and gathering all the evidence for what I thought would be my big “gotcha” moment. Only there was no upper hand to gain, no relationship left to salvage. We broke up during my birthday picnic in McCarren Park.
Despite how common infidelity actually is — some estimates suggest that between 20 to 25 percent of spouses cheat at some point in their relationship — there’s no rulebook for navigating the repair of your own self-image (and, potentially, your relationship). The Cut spoke with seven marriage and couples counselors to build a starting point for how to “get over” cheating.
“Avoid asking for a lot of details, especially initially.”
People’s first instinct is to want to know exactly what happened: what their partner did and how many times. But what we find in treatment is that this information is not helpful. It can be further traumatizing. You can’t ever unknow something once you ask, so it’s better to hold off and be thoughtful about the information you want. After infidelity, some couples work through it and can stay together and often those couples report that their relationship is even stronger afterward. But another common outcome is leaving. I always encourage people to remember that trust is a process built slowly over time and an active choice people make. I think sometimes what people want to do is get certainty. They want to get certain information that this will never happen to me again, but no partner can promise that they will never hurt you or do something you consider to be unfaithful. Because of that, we have to know that being in a relationship means opening yourself up to potentially getting hurt, and that’s okay; that it’s worth it to be in relationships anyway. —Kayla Knopp, licensed clinical psychologist
“Don’t make any specific decisions about the future of the relationship within the first 48 hours.”
People feel estranged, unwanted, and betrayed when infidelity takes place, so I usually talk about infidelity in terms of attachment injury — it has been an injury to the relationship between folks. First, the behavior must stop. Then, I need the person who’s been injured not to dig. I need everyone to take a pause. Don’t make any specific decisions about the future of the relationship within the first 48 hours. When we’re talking about psychological harm, sometimes relationships and attachments reaffirm the most negative thoughts that we have about ourselves like, “I’m not good enough.” My advice for people who want to heal from infidelity and learn to date again is that you have to handle your own stuff. Whatever insecurities are brought up in you, examinations of self, or confidence that it shook, you have to heal from that because you will carry it into the next relationship. So take the time you need to re-establish your own footing so that you feel like a whole person, not half a person looking for somebody to complete you or validate that you are wanted. —Lexx Brown-James, sex educator and licensed marriage and family therapist
“Just give yourself permission to feel all of the emotions coming up.”
Reconnecting with your passions and own identity outside the cheating that happened and trying to understand the narrative that it created inside of you is important. Just give yourself permission to feel all of the emotions coming up. Is there self-blame there or embarrassment? A lot of people think that infidelity or cheating happens and the relationship falls apart, but the majority of the couples stay together. Repairing the relationship and getting closer is a real possibility. But couples all have different ideas of how to build back trust. Does this mean you can see all of their text messages for the next six months? Do you want to see their phone location so you have access to that at all times? A lot of people try to recapture what they had and it’s not going to be the same, but that doesn’t mean it’s not going to be the same in all ways that are bad. —Jeff Guenther, licensed professional counselor
“Do not revenge cheat on your partner.”
Something often portrayed in movies is a friend saying something like, “You have to get even to feel better.” This will not make you feel better and doing anything that is not in line with your values or how you want to show up in life will ultimately make you feel worse. So get some breathing room. That could be staying with a friend for a day or two to clear your head and be around people you trust. We often go to people who are echo chambers or will maybe even exacerbate problems, so it’s important to go to friends whose values are aligned. You’ll have a period of de-escalation where you’re moving out of that crisis phase and learning some emotion regulation skills. Then you’ll move into a space of working to understand one another as a couple, working to understand the context of the relationship in which the infidelity happened. —Chandra Khalifian, clinical and research psychologist
“It’s helpful to get feedback from people who have been through it.”
The most important first step is for both parties to acknowledge that infidelity took place. I encourage finding a mediator, whether a traditional couples therapist or someone in your community like a couple you both admire. It’s helpful to get feedback from people who have been through it. Initially, the person who received the harm will feel like their whole world has been shattered, so part of it is about slowing down. Is this something that has been happening or is it a onetime thing? Is there a deeper issue with your partner that’s not related to you but is impacting you? It takes a lot of intentional work and changing patterns so that a person can trust again, and it also means shifting communication about one’s needs. Because, if something like infidelity happens, that usually means someone’s not communicating fully what it is they need in the relationship. But if you have a person with a lot of trauma around relationships, like their parental attachment was never solidified, the likelihood is that they have to leave the relationship to do the work on themselves and some people don’t like to hear that.” —Felicia Harper, licensed mental-health counselor
“Your first marriage has ended, and now your task is to attempt to build marriage No. 2.”
The discovery of infidelity is a traumatic event for the partner who was betrayed, and it should be handled carefully. The betrayed spouse often experiences PTSD from infidelity — which means they may forever have a trauma-related response to certain actions. For example, if their partner used to be late coming home from work because they were visiting their affair partner, then moving forward it is likely that their spouse being late, even by just five minutes, will put the betrayed spouse in a state of panic. It is essential for the partner who had the affair to identify this and be willing to put in the extra effort, transparency, and patience to help rebuild trust and help their partner heal. If the partner who had the affair is unwilling to do this, it is unlikely that the relationship will repair. I like to explain it to couples like this: Your first marriage has ended, and now your task is to attempt to build marriage No. 2. You need to start from the ground up. First, you have to both be confident in the decision to be together and to fully commit to preventing further infidelity. Once trust has begun to be established, you can move on to rebuilding friendship, shared meaning, and intimacy. —Rebecca Tydeman, licensed marriage and family therapist
“You also have to rebuild trust in yourself.”
I think the most difficult thing about getting over infidelity is questioning your own judgment. Especially if you decide to leave the relationship, people don’t trust themselves not to pick someone who’s going to do that to them again. Boundary setting, surrounding yourself with quality people, and doing things that tend to your needs, help to remind you that you have the capacity to be trustworthy. Even if it’s getting a glass of water when you’re thirsty or making sure you’re eating healthy food, noticing the small ways you’re taking care of yourself helps to repair your own sense of trust in yourself. Also, giving yourself permission to dream about possibilities again. What else is out there that makes you feel excited and expansive? —K’hara Mckinney, licensed marriage and family therapist
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