Sadly, the only two weeks in which I have felt mildly proud to be an American have come to an end with the 2024 Paris Olympics’ Closing Ceremony. On Sunday, more than 70,000 spectators and all of this year’s athletes marched into Stade de France one final time before returning home to shine their medals and sleep on something other than a cardboard box. Rugby’s rising star Ilona Maher was seen taking selfie videos and singing “We Are the Champions” as she walked the track, while the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team looked deservedly hung-over. A little gold man called the Golden Voyager descended into the stadium like a firefly, and a pianist played a grand piano while suspended in the air, leading one of the NBC commentators to remark, “God, the French are cool.” I also regret to inform you that International Olympic Committee president Thomas Bach, who is set to depart next year, couldn’t resist making a pun about the “Seine-sational Games.”
During a literal passing of the torch from one host city to the next (Los Angeles 2028, in case you missed any of the promotional efforts), we saw the conclusion of the avant-garde elegance of the Parisian Games morph rather bluntly into the beach-casual aesthetic of Southern California. Naturally, L.A. 2028 has anointed Mission: Impossible’s Tom Cruise as its front man and sent him zipping into Stade de France, as expected. From there, the actor grabbed the Olympic flag, stuck it into the back of a motorcycle, and exited the stadium via bike, because ’murica. In pretaped footage, he then skydived over to the Hollywood sign, passed the Olympic flag on to some athlete buddies, and watched as the Red Hot Chili Peppers (Flea’s body rolls deserve a medal of their own), Snoop Dogg, and Billie Eilish sang from Venice Beach in cargo shorts and sneakers. I’m feeling something, but I’m not sure it’s nationalism.
More exciting, however, was the opportunity to reflect back on the 40 gold medals Americans took home, most of which were won by women in what Chappell Roan would surely call a “femininomenon.” According to ESPN, American women were responsible for 26 of those medals, which marks the most by any group of women in a single Olympic outing. Hell, if it doesn’t make you feel a little patriotic watching athletes like Simone Biles, Sydney McLaughlin-Levrone, Sha’Carri Richardson, and Mallory Swanson get their flowers and then some. The flame may be out, but we’ll see you in four years when the hullabaloo kicks up again! Au revoir!
